Many children are fortunate to form deep, lasting bonds with their grandparents or great-grandparents, gleaning pearls of wisdom that help them understand different perspectives on the human experience that will last a lifetime.
Young children often understand that people age, and sometimes getting older means not being as mobile or active as the person once might have been. However, it can be jarring to children if their beloved grandparent, who appears outwardly healthy, one day forgets the child’s name or doesn’t immediately recognize them.
An Alzheimer’s disease or dementia diagnosis is hard on families, but the effects of the condition can be especially devastating to children. Talking to them about a grandparent’s memory loss due to dementia can be difficult, but with an empathetic approach, you can help them understand the condition and even provide their grandparents with support.
Should we tell our children about their grandparent’s dementia?
The answer is yes – and here’s why.
While it’s natural to want to protect children from difficult truths, being open about dementia is better from the start of the disease. Use simple words to explain how it affects their grandparent and the changes they might notice over time. Help them see that they have an important role in this journey, walking alongside grandma by showing love, patience, and presence.
As the condition progresses, the symptoms can become more apparent, causing the child to potentially grieve for the grandparent they once knew. Additionally, parents may begin to spend more time with the grandparent, which may trigger feelings of resentment in the child if they’re in the dark about what’s happening.
Kids may also seem impatient when their grandparent asks the same question repeatedly or feel embarrassed or fearful if they witness unusual behaviour in front of others. This is why it’s essential that your child understand what’s happening as soon as possible before the older person’s symptoms worsen.
How to explain a grandparent’s dementia to children
Here are some tips to help you discuss a grandparent’s dementia with your children:
Be honest and clear
Hiding the truth from your children may seem like the easiest thing to do early on, but it’s not sustainable as dementia progresses. Being honest and upfront with your child is the best approach. Explain in simple terms what dementia is, how it will affect the grandparent, and the impact the condition might have on your family. Tell them that grandma’s dementia is a journey, and that your child can help by accompanying her on that journey by holding her hand and being there.
Depending on the age and maturity level of the child, you can go into detail about how dementia affects the brain, why the grandparent’s behaviour might change, and share that although the condition can be slowed down, it is not curable.
Listen to their concerns
It’s critical to allow the children to ask questions and express their thoughts about the situation. Ask them how they feel and listen carefully to their feedback. They might need time to absorb the information and organize their thoughts, so give them the space they need until they’re ready.
Be prepared that some children, especially adolescents, may prefer to speak with their peers or a trusted adult outside of the immediate family, such as an aunt/uncle, teacher, or guidance counsellor. What’s essential is that they’re expressing themselves and not bottling up things that can manifest in other ways.
Remind them that their grandparent is still there
It’s crucial that they understand that the changed behaviour isn’t their grandparent’s fault and, deep down inside, their grandparent loves them, even if they’re unable to express it. Reminding your child that their grandparent is important to your family may also help reassure them.
The child might be sad about not being able to do everything they used to enjoy with their grandparent. Try focusing on the positive things they can still do together, such as watching a movie, listening to music, talking about their day, and reminiscing.
Being open with your kids about dementia seems like a frightening concept, but they might surprise you. Children are often more resilient and resourceful than many believe, and they may welcome an opportunity to be part of the support team.
Tips for children on visiting a grandparent with dementia
Even with an understanding of their grandparent’s condition, they may still hesitate to visit, worried about saying or doing the wrong thing.
You can support them by giving them these practical tips on having a positive, enjoyable visit:
- Understand it’s not your fault if they don’t recognize or remember your name, even if they acknowledge other people.
- When you walk into the room, introduce yourself to remind them who you are, such as: “Hi Grandma, I’m Sally, your oldest granddaughter.”
- Don’t correct them or show signs of frustration if they make a mistake.
- Use non-verbal language such as hand holding or hugs to express yourself.
- Share photos and videos so you can reminisce together.
- Listen and be patient with Grandpa – doing so will help develop skills you’ll need as you grow up.
- Smile, keep things upbeat, and look to your mom or dad to take the lead if you’re not sure how to respond or act in a given situation.
The eldercare team at CareHop understands that being both a parent and a caregiver to an older loved one with dementia can be challenging at the best of times. That’s why when you need friendly, professional eldercare support that brings peace of mind to the entire family, we’re the ones to call first.
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